Grown.Up.Christmas.List

I keep hearing this song on the radio and every time it gets me. The lyrics just touch my heart for some reason. You know I told myself after last holiday season that this one would be different. That I would help myself find the simple joys of the season again and create that magic world for my little ones. Last year was so difficult for me. I struggled all season. I remember sitting and trying to wrap presents on Christmas Eve, and I could barely get that done. It was horrible and a feeling I have never felt before in my life. I now realize I was severely depressed. Plus my husband and I were about to endure the most difficult times of our nine years together. There was so much weighing on my heart, and I let that squash the wonderful joy of the holidays that I have always loved. There is so much that I truly adore about the season! I always have. The love the music, the lights on houses, hot cocoa, sweaters, fireplaces, candles, decorations, family dinners, scarfs, boots, Advent, snow, Santa cookies, all the holiday movies, crafts, making presents, wrapping them, my Mom's Christmas BBQ, Christmas plays downtown, the Children's Museum, putting each ornament on the tree, finding the perfect wreath for the door, the music at church and all the readings throughout the season. I love it all! The wonders of the season. Despite it all, I am finding myself in that same awful place that I was last year. The state of my side of the family, the mood at my job and my mother-in-law being so sick are all weighing on me. I just want peace for all. I crave the traditions of the past. I know I've made new ones with my little family as the years have gone by, but my heart wants a bit of the old too. I think the thing that truly bothers me the most is the brokenness within my side of the family. So here's my grown-up Christmas Wish...

Do you remember me?

I sat upon your knee

I wrote to you

With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown-up now

And still need help somehow

I'm not a child

But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish

My grown-up Christmas list

Not for myself

But for a family in need

No more lives torn apart

That fights would never start

And time would heal all hearts

And everyone would have a friend

And right would always win

And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas wish

As children we believed

The grandest sight to see

Was something lovely

Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows

That packages and bows

Can never heal

A hurting human soul

It goes on, but you get the idea. I wish all the hurt within my family could somehow be healed. However, I have realized I just can't be the peacemaker. They are all responsible for their own issues and mending their own relationships. I can only be accountable for me. So as for me, I am going to try my best to go and to find the simple joys of the season and make each moment count with my husband and my children this year. If my family fits in somewhere along the way then good, but if not I'll be okay too. In some ways I think I've reached a new chapter in my life, a new path on the journey. I think simplicity is all we really need and to be ever so thankful for the many blessings within our lives. Ever so thankful.