Remembering

May 9th was a sort of sad anniversary for us. I don't know why but this year it was on my mind much more than any year past. Maybe because our little boy is growing bigger and I keep thinking of a brother or sister for him. I had a miscarriage a little over 5 years ago. The little one that we lost would have been 5 years old around May 9th. That had been my due date. For a long time I grieved for that child. We had tried for so long for a baby. I couldn't imagine why God would bless you and then take it away so soon after. I have to say St. Vincent was great. They have a memorial ceremony each year in November for all the families that lose little ones before they are viable. There is even an actual plot at a Catholic cemetery on the south side where all the ashes from that year are placed. The spot is marked with the year only. I remember that they encouraged us to name the baby we lost. We had only been 14 weeks, so we weren't sure if it had been a boy for girl. We picked Alex. I remember that as we let balloons go that day, they played this song called Fly by Celine Dion. For a long time the words hung on my fridge. Somewhere over the five years and many moves that paper got lost. Plus as the years went by and then our little man came that painful memory no longer felt so fresh. Part of me feels guilty for that. I wonder where that little one is... I pray and hope that my little lost baby made it to heaven to be with our heavenly father. However, at 14 weeks they don't baptize. There isn't much there to baptize. I hate that. I know there was a little soul there. But I also know we having a loving God, who loves all the little children, so in my heart I know my little lost one made it all the way to his arms. God just has to have a place for little ones like that. I also know that one day we will meet. But once in awhile I think of Alex and a great sadness comes over me. I want to always remember. I don't want to ever forget. I want to be a good mother to that little one. If I don't remember than who will. Every child, every life deserves love from the moment of conception on...

Am I crazy? Do other women feel this way when they have suffered a miscarriage at some point in their life? I just don't know... But I do know the words of this song always bring me comfort.


Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again
Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light